Good sex is not giving a shit. Knowing exactly what you want and not being afraid to say it is hot. Oh, and watching other people have sex. That’s hot, too.
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So, I had just met this guy via text. And I was like, “what time works best for you?” Would it be more pleasurable doing it during the night or during the day? And I was a little bit nervous. And I had never really done this before, where you just text back and forth, and then you meet somebody, and you kind of dive in. So I showed up at his house, red tank top, just enough perfume on super comfortable pants that can be like slipped off super easily. And at the time, my hair was kind of short. So I just got out of the shower, so I figured I’d leave it kind of wet. So that like, sexy, wet, messy look, right? He was taller than I had expected. Dark hair, great big smile, very sweet, super sexy arms that were kind of bursting through his shirt.
And I immediately noticed his hands like they were just very strong hands. I immediately thought, I wonder how big his cock is. And then I pulled myself out of that thought, no, don’t go there. Don’t go there. But then I kind of lingered back to the thought that it’s really big. So we walked into his house, and I went into his room. And I sat on the edge of the mattress, and he said, I’ll be right back. And so I’m sitting there alone in the room at this point. So I thought I’m just gonna go for it. I took off all my clothes, naked, completely naked. And I slipped under the sheet. I started to adjust how I was laying because I wanted it to be sexy, but not too overdone. And then I finally decided that face down would be perfect.
So I hear the door open. And I hear him come in and shut the door. He doesn’t say anything. I’m naked, right? Just laying there. He’s of course wearing all of his clothes. And I was excited. I was ready. So he turns on a little bit of music, to get us in the mood. And he slowly walks over and I can hear his feet hitting the ground getting closer, and it’s getting closer, and I’ve no idea what’s gonna happen. And he slowly walks to the edge of the mattress, and I can feel his presence. And then I feel his breath on my like my neck. Oh, my gosh, what’s happening? Should I roll over? Should I make eye contact? Should I see something?
No, Nikki just lay here and see what happens. He puts his hand on the small of my back. And he says, How do you want it? And I said, let’s start gentle. And then we’ll go deep. And what happened over the next hour between myself and this guy was life changing. Let me tell you, it was the best massage of my entire life. And I give him a huge tip.
Hi, I’m Nikki Boyer and you’re listening to GOOD SEX. My pronouns are she, her and hers. I’m the host of DYING FOR SEX on Wondery, which is a podcast about my best friend Molly. And I think that good sex is being authentic, honest, and kind of not giving a shit. So there was this one time we were on vacation, and we were in Puerto Vallarta with some of our friends. And we both had some drinks. And we were sitting at the table and somebody said to me, so hey, what have you learned about yourself and your what you like about sex from doing this podcast with Molly? And I’d had a couple of drinks. So I just kind of launched into this.
Well, first of all, like this voyeurism idea of watching people have sex, I didn’t even know it existed. I didn’t know there were clubs with that you could do that. I didn’t know that world existed. And I’m kind of interested. And my fiancée is like, “you are?” Yeah. And he’s like, that’s nice to know. And it started an argument because I was revealing this to my friends and I hadn’t even talked to my partner about it. And he was like, wait a minute, why aren’t we talking about this? The next morning, after the vodka wore off, and we kind of like woke up and he was like so?
So you want to like, watch people like and then it was like the floodgates opened. It was so funny. I was so used to sharing my point of view with Molly and with people that were asking me questions about sex because of the podcast. But here I am with my partner and he’s discovering this because I’m basically answering an interview question with a bunch of friends and I realized he and I needed to have some of these conversations, the two of us because he’s my sexual partner.
It kind of allowed me to like pull it back a little bit and say If I’m going to open up about these things, it should really be with the person that I would be doing these things with. Here I am, like 11 years into my relationship. And I’m now just sort of giving myself the permission to really be vulnerable. And I don’t think just sex is so that the intimacy that it takes to talk about it and really reveal what you want, and what it means to you it is, it’s so deep, even though I know I’m safe in my brain, my body still like, “is this okay?”
Because when you say it to a friend, it sounds like an idea, just a thing. But when you say it to the person that you’re sleeping with, or you that you love, it becomes a possibility. And that’s kind of opening Pandora’s box. And Molly really helped me understand that it’s okay to open Pandora’s box. And then it’s okay to close the subject down and go not for me. These conversations about sex didn’t really make the sex better.
But it made it what’s the word, it deepened the connection, there’s something that comes with that kind of intimacy, that it’s a little bit mind blowing, when you just show the person all the parts of yourself, the dirty, the messy, the ugly, the parts that you don’t like, and there’s something about sharing that with another person that is incredibly hot.
So the podcast DYING FOR SEX was inspired by my friend Molly. She was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. And when she got that sort of terminal diagnosis, she decided to do something really bold. “I’m moving out, I’m getting my own apartment, and I’m gonna just fuck as much as I can.” I was shocked. I remember I was like, yeah, but at the same time, like What? It gave me a different reference point, like, you know, I’ve been in a relationship for a long time. I’ve got two step kids and you know; I have a pretty great sex life.
But then when you get in the car with your friend who just gave a blowjob at the Dunkin Donuts, and then made out with a guy who wanted to be a DOM over her. I’m like, oh, wow, there’s a whole a whole new world that you kind of forget about when you get into a relationship. So it definitely added some seasoning to my dish. I find that what is the sexiest thing is just really brutal honesty. And a lot of that is in part because of Molly. So here, she was going through like, all of this crazy medical stuff. But she still found herself to be sexy, they took her breasts away, and they reconstructed them, she still felt sexy.
She’d have a port going into her side to drain her lungs, and she still felt whole, she still felt like she was enough. She gave no fucks. And that’s because she was willing to have deep, honest, thoughtful conversations. And I think that gave her self-confidence. And then that turns into sexiness. And I watched her, I watched her move through rooms, I watched men sitting at tables with their wives and kids start to pay attention to the blonde walking through the room.
And not because she was flaunting, but because she was so damn sexy and so confident, because she had finally come to terms with that deeper part of herself. And she really wasn’t looking for attention from anyone. She was just really confident in herself. And so I did learn a lot from watching her, like just authentically being yourself. And it’s so attractive that people can’t help but stare yet you don’t look for that validation. You’re just walking to the bathroom, right?
I think the reason that honesty is so sexy to me, it’s usually because in conversations, there’s a lot of subtext. And there’s a lot of guessing with people. So there’s just something I think is really amazing about someone who can just say, I think that’s really hot. I think we should do A, B and C as opposed to like just nodding and saying yeah, yeah, that sounds good, right? Like, just that appeasing. Like, I love when someone tells you what they want. They tell you what they want, and they ask you then how you feel about that. Like that’s just cutting through all the bullshit. So sex for me now has shifted. It’s like no playing games. No,
No, like, does he think that I’m desirable? Or does she think I’m pretty? Fuck that. Just let’s have a look or real human connection. And I think that’s sexy. So my favorite thing to do is when I call a customer service line, like the other day, I had to call Best Buy about something. And I said, Hi and the guy’s like, Hey, how are you? And I was like, I’m not good today. And most customer service people go, oh, okay, well, sorry to hear that. So what’s the problem? And he says, me neither. And I was like, Yes. This is so great. This is a sucky day, why I probably shouldn’t get into it. And he did. And we have this amazing connection. And when I got off the phone, he couldn’t even help me with what he needed to help me with.
But I was like, that was awesome. It was real and honest. And I just think that’s way sexier. I just do. I don’t know. He had really nice hands in my imagination. I think what I learned the most from Molly is to try everything that’s obviously comfortable and doesn’t bring you harm. But to just try it, right? Like go for it. You know, she tried things that I don’t even know that I would have tried. But she gave it a go. And she went for it. And she found out what she liked. And sometimes finding out what you don’t like is just as empowering.
And the best part is, you can say I tried it. I went there, I discovered this. So I’d say my advices don’t limit yourself. Just do it. I think that’s Nike’s logo. Just do it.
So if you’d like to listen to DYING FOR SEX, it’s six episodes. It’s on Wondery and I would love for you to listen and then reach out to me please on Instagram, or Twitter at @NikkiBoyer. I also co-host another podcast called STRAIGHT TALK with Ross and that’s a fun one too. And thank you so much for listening to GOOD SEX.
GOOD SEX is a Lemonada Media Original. Produced by Claire Jones and Matthew Simonson. Our supervising producer is Kryssy Pease, and our executive producers are Stephanie Wittels Wachs and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Music is by Dan Molad with additional music from APM music and sound design is by Matthew Simonson. If you like GOOD SEX, the show, not you know, why don’t you rate and review us on iTunes. And you can follow us on all social media at @LemonadaMedia. Thanks for listening!